Project H: Twilight
by Project H
Summary: A direct parody of the film 'Twilight'
1. Chapter 1

**Project H: Twilight**

By Panicattack/ Project H

**Author's note: I wrote this when the Half-Blood Prince release was held back by 8 months and I was left without a parody to write. I currently don't have plans for any other par****odies from the Twilight series but that may change in the future. A reviewer suggested that perhaps I should release my fanfics in chapters to make them easier to read, so I'm testing that theory out with this story. I'll release it in 4 parts, with each chapter coming about a week after the last. Enjoy**

Part 1

Bella narrating: _I never gave much thought to how I would die. Old age, gas explosion, death by laughter, smothered to death by Orlando Bloom as he makes love to me. They all seemed like a pretty good way to go_

*Swan House*

Charlie: I've cleared some shelf space in the bathroom. I know what you girls are like

Bella: Thanks

Charlie: And I've cleared some shoe space in the closet

Bella: OK then

Charlie: And painted the whole interior of the house pink

Bella: I appreciate the effort

Charlie: Alright then, I'll leave you to it. You've probably got some romance novels to read and tubs of ice-cream to cry into

***

*Outside*

Charlie: *Pointing to truck* So what do you think? Sorry, I didn't have time to draw Hello Kitty all over it

Bella: I love it

Jacob: Hi, I'm Jacob. We used to make mud pies when we were little

Bella: We sure were immature

Jacob: Yeah, they're mud soufflés now. I fixed this car up myself

Bella: Really? Do you know a lot about cars?

Jacob: Eh, a little bit. It should work OK. You're not gonna need brakes, right?

***

*School*

Eric: Hi there, new girl. I'm the eyes, ears, nose and gall bladder of this place. Anything you need; tour guide, lunch date, gall bladder, I'm your man

Bella: I'm more a suffer in silence type

Eric: 'Suffer in Silence'; good headline for your feature in the school paper. You're front page news, baby. There was a school shooting last week but we can move that to page 5

Bella: No feature!

Eric: Alright, I'll just use you in the crossword. Down, 12 letters, girl who suffers in silence

***

*Canteen*

Angela: *Takes picture* Just getting some snaps for your feature

Bella: Make sure you get my good side

Angela: Well that certainly wouldn't be the _out_side. Would you mind taking off all your clothes and sprawling across a motorcycle?

Eric: No Angela, that's just for new teachers. Besides, Bella doesn't want a feature

Angela: I guess we'll have to do another editorial on teen drinking

Bella: You could always go for eating disorders of people sitting directly to my right

Jessica: *Stops eating*

Bella: Or speedo padding on the swim team

Jessica: *Stops padding her speedo*

*The Cullens walk by*

Bella: Who are they?

Angela: The Cullens. They can't walk into a room all at once or they cause everyone to instantly orgasm

Jessica: They're Dr Cullen's foster kids, but they're all dating each other. I'm not even sure that's legal. It sure is sexy though; I wish I had a brother who wanted to sleep with me

Bella:…

Angela:…

Jessica: I don't mean in a weird way

Bella: Who's that guy?

Jessica: Edward Cullen, totally gorgeous. I wish he was my cousin or something

Bella: Please stop talking

Angela: That's nothing; you should read her Brady Bunch fan fiction

***

*Biology class*

Bella: *Walks in front of fan*

Edward: *Holds nose*

Bella: I guess you're not a fan of…fans

Edward: *Keeps holding nose*

Bella: I guess it makes a nice change of pace from most boys around here who need to cross their legs when I come near them

Edward: *Runs off*

Other boys: *Will need a few minutes before they'll be able to*

***

*Café*

Waitress: Here's your garden burger, Bella

Charlie: Sorry Bells, I didn't have a chance to draw flowers on it in ketchup for you

Waylon: Remember me, Bella? I played Santa one year

Charlie: She hasn't had a Christmas here since she was four

Waylon: I bet I left an impression, though

Waitress: Butt crack Santa

Waylon: And you never even got to see Prince Albert Easter Bunny

***

*Bella's room. Bella on phone with mother*

Renee: If Phil's spring training goes well we could be moving to Florida

Phone: _Please insert a dollar twenty-five for an additional three minutes_

Bella: Mum, what happened to your cell?

Renee: I'm not sure it makes phone calls. It takes photos, plays songs and microwaves meals, but I'll be damned if I can work out how to call you on it

Phone: _Please insert a dollar twenty-five to ask a patronising question_

Renee: Are the kids at school being nice to you?

Bella: They're….very welcoming

Phone: _Please insert a dollar twenty-five to pretend to care_

Renee: Uh oh, tell me all about it

Bella: It doesn't even matter. I've got homework to do

Phone: _Please insert a dollar twenty-five to give up and go back to your cute new husband_

Renee: OK then. Bye, honey *hangs up*

Phone: _Please insert a dollar twenty-five to sit miserably in this dark room and obsess about a boy who clearly doesn't like you_

Bella: Oh shut up

***

*Biology class*

Edward: Hello. I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week what with all the nose holding and running away I was doing. I'm Edward Cullen

Mr Molinga: You've got onion root tip cells on your microscope slides. I want you to sort them into the stages of Mitosis while making awkward conversation with each other with the occasional sexual advance. Don't be afraid to put your hand on their knee and slowly slide it up while talking about the weather

Edward: *Puts hand on Bella's knee* So are you enjoying the rain?

Bella: I don't like cold, wet things

Edward: *Quickly removes hand* If you hate the cold and wet, why did you move her?

Bella: My mum remarried…

Edward: Her new husband was cold and wet?

Bella: No, he's really nice

Edward: Metaphase

Bella: No, Phil

Edward: I meant the slide. Why didn't you move with your mother and Phil?

Bella: Phil plays baseball and moves around a lot

Edward: I'm sorry for all the questions; you're very difficult to read. I'll need to question you here for another couple of hours to figure you out

Bella: Your eyes are a different colour. Did you get contacts?

Edward: Goodbye *leaves*

***

*Car park*

Van: *Skids*

Bella: *Panics*

Edward: *Stops van*

Bella: Wow! No seriously, did you get contacts?

Edward: Goodbye *leaves*

***

*Hospital*

Tyler: I'm so sorry, Bella

Charlie: Consider your licence gone, young man. You've got two good strong legs there; I'd hate to see one of them end up broken

Bella: Dad, I'm fine

Charlie: You've got a real nice family, Tyler. It'd be a shame if something were to happen to them

Carlisle: Well Bella, you may suffer some disorientation but you should be fine

Bella: It would have been worse if not for Edward. He got to me so fast it was amazing

Carlisle: Really? Say, he didn't happen to bite anyone's throat and drain them of all their blood, did he?

Bella: No, why do you ask?

Carlisle: No reason. Anything else I can help you with?

Bella: Did Edward get contacts?

Carlisle: Goodbye *leaves*

*Hallway*

Bella: Edward, can I have a word?

Edward: OK, but only one word

Bella: Uh…van?

Edward: Good choice

Bella: How did you get to me so fast?

Edward: I didn't. I was right next to you. And I barely even did anything. In fact, it wasn't me at all, it was someone else dressed like me. It wasn't a van that almost hit you; it was a low flying bird. Vans haven't even been invented yet. I don't go to your school. This isn't a hospital, it's a bakery. This has all been a crazy dream, we never had this conversation, and my eyes never changed colour *leaves*

Bella: What a nutter. I'm totally gonna marry that guy

***

*Car park*

Bella thinking: _Edward + Van + Speed = Something strange going on_

Mike: Look at you, huh? You're alive, which will make our prom date a lot less awkward

Bella: Sorry, what?

Mike: Would you like to go to the prom with me?

Bella: Oh, um, I can't. I'm doing something that weekend. I'm going to be out of town. There actually isn't going to be a prom, this is just a crazy dream. You should ask Jessica, I know she wants to go with you

Mike: I thought she was going with her uncle from interstate…

Mr Molinga: Come on everyone, time to go. Cullens, we've provided you with a special bus that as requested won't travel through sunlight

***

*Greenhouse*

Mr Molinga: Egg shells, carrot tops, banana peels. I don't know why I ordered that last night at the Chinese restaurant, but that isn't your concern

Edward: Why are you going out of town?

Bella: Why do you suck?

Edward: Interesting you would ask that, but you didn't answer my question

Bella: Answer mine first

Edward: I don't suck

Bella: How did you stop the van? I know it wasn't a dream because you had clothes on when you stopped it

Edward: I had an adrenaline rush, you can Google it. Don't use Wikipedia though, I went on it last night and filled it with dirty words. Also, I'm like the fastest kid on my block and can hold my breath underwater for like forever. Wanna see me pick up Eric?

Jessica: Bella, guess who just asked me to the prom? Mike. He might be the first boy I kiss who I haven't shared a womb with

Eric: *Holding a worm on a stick* Bella, look. It's a worm

Bella: On the stick or holding it?

Eric: In some Asian cultures, presenting a girl with a worm on a stick is a proposal of marriage

Edward: We shouldn't be friends

Bella: All you've done so far is be rude to me and run from me. What great friends we're becoming. Why do you keep coming up to me and starting weird conversation?

Edward: Eh, adrenaline rush?

Alice: Bella, will you be riding with us?

Edward: We don't have a bus *hurls bus into forest*

Bella: That's OK. I was going to take the other bus anyway

Edward: *Throws other bus into forest*

Bella:…I see

***

*Canteen*

Eric: Hey baby, are you in?

Bella: Normally the girl asks the guy that

Mike: He means La Push beach, we're all heading up there tomorrow

Jessica: Yeah, there's a big swell coming in

Bella: Which is what the guy normally says next *starts playing with salad*

Edward: Edible art? I make sure to check in advance since that time I devoured the Venus de Milo. She used to have arms

Bella: What do you want?

Edward: You should stay away from me

Bella: I know, but you keep coming up to me and talking

Edward: It's called mixed messages, you can Google it

Bella: You can also Google 'stalker'

Edward: Any other theories?

Bella: Radioactive spiders, kryptonite, steroids, but I'm pretty confident with stalker. We're going to La Push tomorrow. You should come

Edward: Yes, a girl normally _does_ say that to a guy, but I think I'll pass

Bella: You don't like the beach

Edward: I don't like cold, wet things

TO BE CONTINUED…


	2. Chapter 2

**Project H: Twilight**

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 2

*La Push, it's French for 'The Push'*

Jacob: Hi Bella, remember me? We used to meet up out the front of your house. I'd present you with a truck, and then we'd make mud pies

Angela: Good thing you're here, Bella's date bailed

Jessica: He made bail? Good for him, I knew those stalking charges wouldn't hold up

Angela: She invited Edward

Sam: The Cullens don't come here!

Bella: What did your friend mean about the Cullens not coming here?

Jacob: You caught that, huh?

Bella: Yes, he yelled it at me about 5 seconds ago

Jacob: I'm not supposed to say anything about it. My family are descended from wolves and the Cullens are from an enemy clan that drink blood

Bella: Is the reason you're not supposed to talk about it because everyone will laugh at you family's ridiculous stories?

***

*Pier*

Waylon singing: _My mama said I didn't know how to make a kitten meow…_

Vampires: *Kill Waylon*

James: _My mama said I didn't know how to kill a man and drain him of his blood_. Clearly she was wrong

***

*School yard*

Bella: It sure is hot. Why isn't Edward here? Doesn't he only like hot things?

Jessica: Clearly not if he's interested in you

Angela: I just asked Eric to the prom. Just like a strong, independent woman

Bella: Not so much if you immediately come and seek approval from your friends

Angela: Sure you can't come?

Bella: Yeah sorry, I can't. I've got a weird family thing

Jessica: Sounds sexy

Angela: Wanna come watch us try on dresses just so you know how much fun you're missing out on?

Bella: You bet!

***

*Dress shop*

Jessica: This one's nice, do you reckon they have it in brother-love blue

Shop assistant: I keep telling you that's not a real colour

Guy walking past: Looking good, baby!

Jessica: Dear God, it's like you can't get changed in front of a large window that looks out onto the street without the possibility of a stranger seeing you

Bella: Some world

***

*Quileute bookstore*

Cashier: Here's your book. Would you like to join our email list? We'll keep you updated if any member of our tribe finds a new animal they think they're related to. If you ask me, my ex-wife comes from a family of pigs. Hi-yo!

*Outside*

Guy: Hey baby, wanna hang out with us?

Bella: _Behind the dog_

_You'll find a ball_

_Raise your knee_

_Watch him fall_

*knees guy in groin*

Boy 2: Ooh, I love assaults that rhyme

_We're not that tough_

_We're actually wussy_

_Drop your pants_

_I'll grab your-_

Edward: *Speeds around corner*

_Don't be fooled by the perm_

_Or the poncy coats_

_Get out of here_

_Or I'll rip out your throats_

***

*In the car*

Edward: You should have heard the horrible things they were thinking

Bella: I'm pretty sure one of them was thinking "Oh God, my groin!"

Edward: That would have been me. The car-lock was still on the seat when I sat down

*Restaurant*

Jessica: Bella, where were you? We waited, but eventually they waiter got fed up with me insisting that he call me 'auntie' and rub my leg

Edward: Sorry I kept Bella from dinner. We ran into each other, started talking, Bella was nearly raped, and we totally lost track of the time

Jessica: That's exactly how my parents met. Except it ended with my dad sitting on a car-lock. The doctor said it would damage his sperm and could screw up his kids, but my seriously sexy dad totally proved them wrong

Edward: I should make sure Bella get something to eat

Jessica: I wouldn't mind a little something to nibble myself

*Inside the restaurant*

Waitress: So that's a mushroom ravioli for the girl, and a lingering flirtatious smile for the boy

Edward: I didn't order that

Waitress: It's on the house

Guy at other table: I think I'd like one of those

Waitress: Uh, they're off the menu

Bella: You gotta give me some answers

Edward: Yes, no, to get to the other side, 42, one of its legs is both the same, because Jessica was raised in an abusive household, 13 inches, 1.77245…

Bella: I don't want to know what the square root of…wait, what did you say before that?

Edward: Never mind

Bella: How did you know where I was?

Edward: I took the square root of pi and carried the 1

Bella: *Starts leaving*

Edward: No, I'm sorry. I was just speeding dangerously around the local area and happened to find you

Bella: So more stalking, huh?

Edward: When I heard what those low-lives were thinking I-

Bella: Wait, you heard what they were thinking?

Edward: I can read every mind in this room, except for yours and the guy in the corner with the tinfoil hat. *Starts motioning towards others* Money, sex, money, sex, cat, paying money for sex with a cat. Oh, I see the tinfoil guy has taken off his hat. Everyone's mind except yours

Bella: Is there something wrong with me? And yes, I realise that's an odd question to ask someone who thinks hair like that actually looks good and clearly plucks his eyebrows

Edward: I have considered that. You might just be incredibly thick, although that hasn't stopped me from reading Jessica's mind

Bella: Charming. It's a wonder you've never been able to find a girlfriend

Edward: I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore

Bella: Anymore? You come up to me every day and say we shouldn't hand out, then you hang around me saying how dangerous it is and now today I take a trip out of town and you follow me and then insist we have dinner! What strength? I haven't spent a minute away from you since I got to Forks, you creepy psychopathic freak!

Edward:…what?

Bella: You can Google it

***

*Car*

Bella: OK, I think I'm warm enough *goes to turn off heater and touches Edward's hand*. Your hand is so cold. I thought you didn't like cold, wet things

Edward: I don't

Bella: So you don't like your own hands? You have no girlfriend and you don't like your own hands? No wonder you're so uptight

*They drive past the police station*

Bella: That's my dad's car, can you pull in?

Edward: My dad's car too

Carlisle: Hey guys. The fisherman Waylon was attacked by an animal. There were two bite marks in his neck, he was drained of his blood and there was a note on the body reading "Yes, he was killed by vampires". Naturally, the police are suspecting a bear, or possibly a rabid parrot. Bella, you should go inside

Bella: *Goes inside*

Edward: Fishing, huh? How come you never take me fishing?

Carlisle: I thought you hated water

Edward: Well maybe I wouldn't hate it if you took me fishing! *Starts sobbing*

***

*Forest*

Bella: You're impossibly fast and strong. Your skin is pale white and ice cold. Your eyes change colour, you have little to no personality, and a weird obsession with Google. How old are you?

Edward: 17

Bella: How long have you been 17?

Edward: A while

Bella: When you say a while, do you mean like, 11 months?

Edward: No. I mean like, many years

Bella: Do you mean dog years?

Edward: No

Bella: I know what you are

Edward: Say it. Out loud

Bella: Leprechaun

Edward: No

Bella: Frankenstein

Edward: Not quite

Bella: Zombie, mummy, mermaid

Edward: No. We're not in Egypt. I don't have fins

Bella: Chupacabra, banshee, werewolf

Edward: No, but keep the last one in the back of your mind

Bella: Umm…

Edward: Think about it. Cold skin, no sunlight…

Bella: Leprechaun

Edward: Vampire!

Bella: That was my next guess

Edward: Are you afraid?

Bella: Yes. I think this forest has snakes

Edward: Of me?

Bella: No. You can protect me from the snakes

Edward: Ask me the most basic question: What do we eat?

Bella: Snakes?

Edward: *Walks into sunlight*

Bella: No! You'll burst into flames!

Edward: Not quite. I sparkle like diamonds

Bella: Wuss. I almost wish you _were_ a leprechaun. It's like Dracula and a disco ball had a baby

Edward: I'm a killer

Bella: Not with the ladies, obviously

Edward: An actual killer

Bella: Did you bore them to death with your conversation skills? Or did they die of laughter when they saw you sparkle?

Edward: I wanted to kill you. Your scent is like a drug to me. Like my own personal brand of heroin. I call it Edward's Choice, and one day I hope to wake up in a gutter with you all over my face and no idea of how I got there

Bella: You have such a magical way with words

Edward: You don't know how long I've waited for you

Bella: 11 months?

Edward: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb

Bella: What a stupid lamb

Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion

Bella: Isn't that some sort of bestiality

Edward: There are no laws in the jungle

Bella: Well how old is the lamb? It might be paedophilia

Edward:…what a stupid lamb

Bella: Wait a minute, how old are you?

Edward: Over 100

Bella: I'm only 17. Dear God, _you're_ a paedophile

Edward: No no, it's not paedophilia if I _look_ young

Bella: The prosecution rests, your honour

***

Bella thinking: _About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Edward was a stalker. Second, Edward was a paedophile. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. And why not, he was clearly the perfect man_

TO BE CONTINUED…


	3. Chapter 3

**Project H: Twilight**

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 3

*Forest*

Bella: So none of your family drink human blood?

Edward: No, we only feed on the blood of animals. We consider ourselves vegetarians

Bella: Because you're the exact opposite of vegetarians?

Edward: Correct

Bella: Can the rest of your family read minds?

Edward: No, but some of them have powers based on their strengths as humans. Alice had a knack for predicting things, so she can see into the future. Jasper was good at appealing to people's emotions, so he can control the mood of his environment. Emmett could do a party trick involving a can of beans and a cigarette lighter. You don't want to know what his power is

***

*Front of the Swan house*

Edward: I'm going to take you to meet my family *bumps dent out of car, and also throws car into forest*. Oops, my bad

Bella: Your family? What if they don't like me?

Edward: Then I guess they'll have to fill up on bread. Wait, my Eddy sense is tingling. I must leave

Bella: Why?

Edward: I need to go and _wolf_ down some Edward's Choice *leaves*

*Jacob and Billy arrive*

Bella: Hi, come to visit your truck?

Jacob: She's looking clean, easy to ride and can fit at least 3 guys inside. And the truck isn't looking too bad either

***

*Cullen Kitchen*

Rosalie: Is she even Italian?

Emmett: Her name is Bella

Rosalie: But her surname is Swan, that's not Italian

Esme: Swan? Maybe we should have cooked bird

Emmett: Wouldn't that be cannibalism?

*Bella and Edward walk in*

Edward: Bella, this is Esme. My mother, for all intents and purposes

Esme: It's a pleasure to meet you. We're cooking Italiano for you

Bella: Bon giorno

Esme: Ah, molto bene

Edward: Eh…mi chiamo gatto

Carlisle: I hope you're hungry

Bella: I hope you're not

Carlisle: Ahahaha, seriously though eat the pasta

Edward: Actually she already ate

Rosalie: *Breaks bowl, the universally recognised sign of angry vampire* Great

Carlisle: Rosalie, if the worst thing that happens to us with the introduction of a human into our family is that a plate of garlic bread goes to waste, I'll consider this a success

*Edward and Bella ascend the stairs (Yeah that's right, I said ascend. Finally putting the university degree to good use)*

Bella: Graduation caps?

Edward: We matriculate a lot

Bella: Sure. I mean, if I was immortal I'd probably use it to complete high school over and over again too

Edward: It's sort of an in-joke

Bella: Oh yeah, nothing gets my sides-a-splitting like a good graduation

*Edward's room*

Bella: No bed?

Edward: You've sure got a one-track mind

Bella: These your journals?

Edward: Yes. They're filled with the musings of my old, tortured soul

Bella: These are filled with pictures of Garfield that you've drawn boobs on

Edward: Tortured, tortured soul. I think you'll find the later entries to be more sophisticated and mature, reflecting my old age

Bella: Yes, there are a lot of angry letters to the newspaper beginning with the phrase "Why, oh why…"

Edward: Tortured, tortured soul

Bella: You've got a lot of music. How have you sorted them?

Edward: By year, then by preference, then alphabetically, then by how much the artist resembles Emmett, then by the drugs the songwriter was on at the time, then Nickelback

Bella: You've got quite an eclectic taste in music

Edward: All my family do. I found Jeff Buckley to be delicious, but Carlisle preferred Pavarotti. He got a much bigger meal than I did too

Bella: What are you listening to now? *Hits button on stereo*

Stereo: _It's time to eat a schoolgirl  
__This next one looks quite filling  
__Pretend that you're in love with her  
__Get started with the killing..._

Edward: That's an original composition. You wouldn't like it. Let's try an out-of-copyright piano piece

Bella: Let's dance

Edward: No, I don't have any David Bowie. We're stuck with Clare de Lune

*The two dance awkwardly for several minutes, before moving downstairs to the piano*

Edward: I've written a song for you with my tortured, tortured soul. Would you like to hear it?

Bella: Do I have a choice?

Edward: Of course, you can leave now if you want. Although on your way out you'll be smeared with blood and introduced to Jasper again

Bella: I'll listen then

Edward: Excellent

**The Vampire  
**(To the tune of 'The Wrestler' by Bruce Springsteen)

_Have you ever seen a brooding boy, looking at you like you're a piece of meat?  
If you've ever seen that brooding boy then you've seen me  
Have you ever seen a freakish kid, who takes five seconds to run down the street?  
If you've ever seen a freakish kid then you've seen me  
__  
Then you've seen me, I drink much more blood than I should  
Then you've seen me, though lately I'm trying to be good  
Then you've seen me, but that girl in biology class, she gives me wood  
Tell me, girl, I would "stake" you if I could  
Tell me have my words been understood?_

_Have you ever seen a sparkly man, taking a girl up a tall tree?  
If you've ever seen a sparkly man then you've seen me  
__Have you ever seen a pervert sneaking into a girl's room to watch her sleep?  
If you've ever seen that pervert then you've seen me_

_Then you've seen me, I take the window not the door  
Then you've seen me, I really wanted to tear your throat before  
Then you've seen me, but I might kill you when your blood, it hits the floor  
Tell me, girl, should I explain myself some more?  
Tell me so I don't have to sing anymore  
_

_Right now you probably think I'm weird, I bet  
__But if you stay with me I'm sure you won't regret  
__And with your personality I'm the best you're gonna get_

_In 100 years you're the first girl that I like  
__And without me the best you could get is Mike  
_'_Cause most of the boys in town think you're a dyke_

_Have you ever seen a vampire who doesn't seem like a vamp even slightly  
If you've ever seen that vampire then you've seen me_

So, what do you think?

Bella: *Asleep*

***

*Café*

Mike: Yo, Arizona!

Bella: Do you always call people by the place they're from?

Mike: Sure do. That Pakistani girl from Lahore really hated me. I don't like you and Cullen

Bella: What about just me?

Mike: I love that. But Cullen looks at you like you're something to eat. It's like you're his own personal brand of heroin

Bella: Why is it guys keep comparing me to heroin?

Mike: Well you _are_ extremely white. I'm worried about how he'll treat you. He seems controlling. Ask yourself this; who wears the pants in the relationship?

Bella: I like to think that if the relationship is going well, neither of us is wearing pants *enters café*

Charlie: So, any boys in town catch your eye?

Bella: Are we really going to talk about boys?

Charlie: Why, would you rather talk about girls? That's a perfectly acceptable lifestyle. There are plenty of cute girls around. I reckon Angela would be anybody's after a few drinks

Bella: No Dad, I like boys, but I don't really want to have this conversation

Charlie: A lot of them seem interested in you

Bella: They think I'm the girl for them and that I'm fun and exciting, but I'll just end up making them depressed

Charlie: Yeah, it's like you're their own personal brand of heroin

Bella:...OK, what the hell is this about?

***

*Bella's room. Bella on the phone with mother*

Renee: You'd love it here in Jacksonville. It's depressing and everybody is miserable all the time. You'd fit right in

Bella: I'm starting to like Forks

Renee: Could a guy have anything to do with that?

Bella: Yeah...

Renee: I knew it. Is he a jock?

Bella: He's a paedophilic stalker with a heroin addiction

Renee: He sounds perfect for you!

Edward: *Appears* You've got a way with words yourself

Bella: Mum, can I talk to you later?

Renee: Come on, we gotta talk boys! Are you using protection?

Bella: Don't worry, I've got kneepads *hangs up*. How did you get in?

Edward: The window. I like to watch you sleep. Most people stop wetting the bed at around age 4. Let me try something *starts kissing Bella*

Bella: *Starts kissing Edward*

Edward: No, that's not how this relationship works. You just sit there and let me do whatever I want to you. I like to call it a "traditional" relationship

Bella: People under the age of 100 like to call it an "abusive" relationship. Wanna spend the night?

Edward: You bet!

***

*Baseball field*

Bella: Baseball?

Edward: Well it _is_ the American pastime, and vampires began a lot of the traditions. Mascots, uniforms, drinking the blood of anyone who strikes out

Bella: They don't do that anymore

Edward: Yeah, the game isn't what it once was

Alice: Evil vampires cometh!

Bella: Run!

Edward: It's too late

Bella: But you're super fast

Edward: Too late, just hide your hair. Be quiet and stand behind me. That's a phrase you should get used to for when we're married

Laurent: I believe this ball belongs to you

Bella: They don't realise I'm human, we can still run for it

Edward: Too late

James: *Notices Bella* Ah, you brought a snack

Edward: You better be talking about the fun-size Twix in my pocket

James: No, I'm talking about the girl by your side

Edward: That better be your nickname for fun-size Twix

James: No, it's my nickname for that pretty little thing next to you

Edward: You'd better be talking about the pretty little fun-size Twi-

James: Shut up! I want to eat your girlfriend!

Edward: Is it still too late to run?

Bella: Probably

TO BE CONTINUED…


	4. Chapter 4

**Project H: Twilight**

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 4

*Car*

Bella: Are they coming after me?

Edward: James is; he's a tracker. Lovers, prey, eBay items; he tracks them all. I read his mind. He wants to hunt you, and he doesn't even like Twix

Bella: I don't believe it!

Edward: I know. He says he doesn't like the wafer

Bella: I meant the bit about me

Edward: I set him off with my actions on the baseball field. He hates people who dance on the dugout. I just made this his most exciting game ever. It's like playing Cluedo with real murders

Bella: What do we do?

Edward: Kill him. Rip him apart, burn the pieces and pee on the flames

Bella: Do we have to do that last part?

Edward: Don't question me

***

*Swan house*

Bella: I don't know what to say

Edward: Tell him you're leaving, but let him down gently or-

Bella: Dad, I hate you and I'm leaving you forever!

Edward: -or not

***

*Cullen house*

Bella: Hey look, it's the friend of the guy trying to kill me

Laurent: I'm here to warn you about James. He's dangerous. OK, that's me done *leaves*

*Garage*

Jasper: I've had to kill our kind before. If we salvage some of the meat, I know a hotdog vendor we can sell it to

Carlisle: I don't relish the thought

Jasper: I don't like relish either. Mustard and ketchup are fine for me

Edward: OK, I'll take Bella south in my car. Carlisle, you lead the tracker north on your bike. Jasper and Alice, take the ride-on lawnmower and follow Carlisle. Emmett and Rosalie will unicycle behind Bella and me, and Esme will be fired out of a cannon

Carlisle: No Edward, that won't work

Edward: OK, me and Bella will take the cannon

Carlisle: James knows you wouldn't leave Bella. He'll follow you

Edward: Unless he knew we'd think that, in which case he'll follow the other group. He knows there's no reason to send a second group unless it's because we're trying to hide which group she's with

Carlisle: He knows her scent. We'll give her clothes to Esme and Rosalie to throw him off

Edward: But Bella will still have her own scent, which he can pick up and follow. It'll be strongest coming from her group so he'll follow it. I need to be with her to protect her

Carlisle: Then it's too easy for him. He _knows_ you wouldn't leave her

Edward: But you're telling me to leave her, so if I do as you say then that statement isn't true. He can't know something that isn't true, so he's just got to guess one way or the other, meaning it makes no difference whether I'm with her or not

Carlisle:...

Edward:...

Emmett: Maybe we should all dress up like girls

Carlisle: How will that help?

Emmett: It couldn't hurt

*Bella, Jasper and Alice head south. Ed, Rosalie and Emmett (dressed as a girl) travel in the opposite direction, and Esme and Carlisle head in another*

***

*Hotel*

Alice: *Has vision*

Jasper: *Doesn't, so asks the following question* What did you see?

Alice: The tracker's changed course. Edward's convoluted and slightly self-contradictive guess as to the nature of our plan and the required course of action to undermine it was slightly correct

Bella: I knew it!

Jasper: Where is he going?

Alice: A room full of mirrors

Jasper: The carnival!

Alice: It looks more like a hall

Jasper: Too late, we're going to the carnival

Alice: *Starts drawing*

Jasper: Good thing you took those speed-drawing classes. And a good thing we bring crayons and paper with us everywhere we go

Bella: Ballet studio! Good thing I'm so good at pictionary *phones Edward*

Edward: We're coming to get you now. Then you and I are going to go somewhere...

Jasper: The carnival!

***

Bella: *Packing her bags*

Phone: *Rings*

Bella: *Answers* Mum?

James: I could be, but we'd need to complete some paperwork first. I've got your current Mum here, and she seems to have had an allergic reaction to being bitten on the neck and drained of blood. You can see her, but I need you to come alone to your old ballet studio. Kapiche?

Bella: Gesundheit

***

*Ballet studio*

James: Hello Bella, I thought we might film this encounter for Edward. We'll make a DVD of it. I'll include a director's commentary, deleted scenes, and that outtake of when you almost ran away

Bella: *Runs*

James: *Catches her* There it is

Bella: _Behind the dog, you'll find a ball..._

James: _Now I throw Bella into a wall_ *throws Bella*. In the theatre, it's good luck to say to someone "break a leg" *breaks Bella's leg*

Bella: *Screams*

James: I guess they were wrong *bites Bella's hand*

Edward: In Australia they say "chookas" *tackles James*

Bella: Chookas, Edward!

James: You're first, because you're faster than the others. And they used Google Maps, which always takes you the longest way

Edward: Never insult Google! *Slams James against wall*

*Other Cullens arrive*

Edward: Oh good, just as the fight is over

Carlisle: Go to Bella, she needs you

Edward: What's new?

Carlisle: You need to suck the venom out of her hand

Edward: You're the doctor, why can't you do it?

Carlisle: I don't want to get girl germs

Edward: *Starts sucking*

Bella: I thought we weren't taking our relationship to that level yet

Edward: This doesn't count

Bella: Sucking venom out of your partner's hand is third base

Edward: I'm done by the way

Bella: Thanks for that. Bella sleep now

***

*Hospital*

Renee: Bella?

Bella: Mum? Why are you here?

Renee: I thought there might be a reading of your will

Bella: What happened?

Renee: You broke your leg and lost a lot of blood. You fell down a flight of stairs, through a window, into the path of a steamroller, through a knife factory and into the sun. That's why you've got the cast

Bella: Who told you this?

Renee: Edward and his father

Bella: And you believed them?

Renee: Of course

Bella:....God help me if I'm ever actually beaten up by a boyfriend

Renee: Don't worry honey, I'm sure he'll be cute anyway. Now if you'll excuse me, I can't stand to have more than a two-minute conversation with you *leaves*

Bella: Edward, what happened?

Edward: James is dead, Victoria ran off, and Emmett has begun a one-woman show called "Fangs for the memories"

Bella: So I guess everything turned out fine

Edward: You need to go to Jacksonville with your neglecting mother and her husband that you barely know at all. You're safe with them

Bella: No, I'm safest with you. What if I need venom sucked out? What if I need to climb a tree really quickly? How will I get to sleep if I'm not being watched by someone who wants to kill me?

Edward: Good point. I'll stay

***

*Swan house*

Charlie:...

Edward:...

Charlie:...

Edward: New moustache?

Charlie: No, I've always had it. New terrible personality?

Edward: No, I've always had it

Bella: *Comes downstairs* Alice gave me the dress

Charlie: And Edward gave you the broken leg

Bella: Dad, please...

Charlie: Well, I guess there are worse things he could give you on prom night

Edward: On that fatherly note, off we go

***

*Prom*

Edward: Be right back. I need to limp around the car park a little so I can park in the handicap spot *limps away*

Jacob: Hey Bella. Remember me? We used to make mud pies, and then my father and I would scare away your boyfriend

Bella: Hi. You crashing the prom? Spiking the punch? Pretending to be Jessica's long-lost cousin?

Jacob: All three. But first my dad wants to give you some advice; break up with your boyfriend

Bella: That all?

Jacob: Cut your hair, you look like a girl. No wait, that was for me. He said "We'll be watching you"

Bella: I'm used to that sort of thing

Edward: Good news, Bella. We can park in the spot, but I told them you had Alzheimer's. Try to dribble some food down your front during dinner

Jacob: Hello Edward

Edward: Hello Jacob. If you'll excuse us, my girlfriend and I are off to make some mud pies

Bella: You should be nicer to him

Edward: *Cough* Werewolf *cough*

Bella: Wear wolf? No, I'd never wear wolf, I'm very anti-fur. I wouldn't wear wolf, fox, seal or even trap-door spider. And not just because the jackets would be so ridiculously small

Edward: Of course

*Edward and Bella enter the prom*

Bella: Fun, excitement, happy people. This is worse than I imagined

Edward: Prom is an important rite of passage: you need to experience it. For the same reason, I plan on you ending the night with vomit in your hair and a broken shoe

*Gazebo*

Edward: Dance?

Bella: No, Bella

Edward: This is one of those rites of passage *holds Bella close*

Bella: Is that a fun-size Twix in your pocket, or are you just having a great time?

Edward: For the benefit of our long-term relationship, let's say it's a Twix

Bella: Enough to share?

Edward: Bella, you know we can't

Bella: I know, that's why I'm ready for you to change me

Edward: Sorry, I didn't bring any diapers or talcum powder

Bella: I mean change me to be like you

Edward: You'll need an operation, some hormone treatment and a lot of hair mousse

Bella: You know what I mean

Edward: A vampire

Bella: Oh, I thought we'd settled on leprechaun

Edward: Is it not enough to just have a long and happy life with me?

Bella: I'd prefer a long and happy life with you, with a vicious lust for human blood

Edward: It's not as romantic as it sounds

*They kiss*

Bella narrating: _No one will surrender tonight. But I won't give in. I know what I want_

Victoria: And I know what I want, Mr Cullen. Soon I'll know whether your little fun-size Twix girl melts in my pocket or in my mouth. I like to call it revenge. Google it!

**THE END**

**Author's Note: Well that's all for Project H:Twilight, but due to the positive response I will highly consider doing a parody of New Moon after I complete Half-Blood Prince. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the story, this has far and away been the most popular fanfic I've done. And thank you to AzureFalls for suggesting I upload in chapters instead of all at once. That proved to be a much better way of doing it.**

**See you for Project H and the Half-Blood Prince.**


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